DAY 5 & 6

So yesterday being Saturday was my trigger day. It is Saturday I am always waiting for all week as I get to drink. It used to be Friday too but I managed to cut that out a good while back. I knew it would be hard. It started out ok every now & then the thought of how I wasn’t going to drink would mean my night would be boring. As the evening drew in it got harder. It  hit me hard at about 6pm in the last hour. I had been rehearsing my dance routine like I did most Saturdays & as I finished up the overwhelming urge hit me as usually every week I could look forward to that first drink afterwards while my husband put our son to bed.It’s my ritual on Sat . I wanted that chill feeling. I’m thought sure just go for it I’ll get my prescription on Monday for Nalmefene why put myself through no drink tonight. I put money in my pocket & went to walk the dog as there was no alcohol on the house. I  thought I’ll  buy some vodka & down some before I got home but I was also afraid my husband would  suspect so I left not sure of what I would do.

I walked towards the off licence . Then I thought of my husband who is being so supportive & my promise to myself to never drink in secret again – that is at least over. I was walking towards the off licence & my dog turned off to go a different way & I went with her. I then walked home. Once home I knew I had done it as there was no alcohol in the house.

The evening was ok. I’ll admit it would of been better with my usual hit. We watched a movie ordered food & I got a foot massage. Sounds really nice but it was missing but I did it. I actually did it. I would usually would drink tonight also but I think it wil be easier to not as the craving would be strong if I had of drank last night. I have an appointment with my doctor early tomorrow morning so I also want to have a clear head & at least at that point I can tell her I abstained for a week.

Day 6 today I thought would be easier. The same thoughts came into my head & in the evening the same temptation took over but I didn’t leave the house & I am sitting here at 8pm & sober. I usually binge on Saturday & Sunday & this is the first time in so long I have not drank for the 2 nights. I still would love to be drinking it isn’t easy kicking this habit. I don’t know if I will be as successful next week but I am hoping to get meds from the my doctor to start The Sinclair Method as cold turkey is hard! I still hear the drink saying to me you can just treat yourself on Saturdays but I know when I have that 2nd & third drink I just want to keep going.

This is harder than I thought but I need to keep telling myself this is progress.

 

 

Day 4- I hit a low

So today I met with my friends who I perform with & had told earlier in the week what I am going through. I wish I hadn’t met them to be honest  as it sent me backwards. Being around them reinforced the thoughts of not being able to have fun as I used to as I am the one with a drink problem although I don’t think they see it that way, from how they were talking I think they think I will be fine in a few weeks. When they left I cried. I felt so low. I was doing so well this week & was trying to be optimistic but this just had a bad effect on me. I had told them my issues but the feeling I get is that they think we all drink too much & that I will be back to myself in a few weeks. If I didn’t perform with these girls in a dance group I think it would be easier but our shows are always booze fused. I’ll have to deal with that. Why do I care so much about this part of my life? Do I need to leave it behind to get better?

I will be discussing The Sinclair Method this Monday with my GP. I think from researching this it would be the way to go for me. I could take the pills & openly drink but have control over my drinking & I wouldn’t feel different or that people know I have a problem. I don’t think it will be easy to get a prescription here in Ireland though so I may have to buy online which is expensive.

Tomorrow for me is the real test of staying sober as I have binged every Saturday & Sunday & sometimes Mondays for the last 12/13 years except when I was pregnant or sick or away with the in laws. I am nearly 37 now & I have to change theses habits for my husband & son & myself. If I make it through tomorrow night sober I will be so proud.

 

Wish me luck!! xx